


Dangerous Conditions

by Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: F/M, Family Shenanigans, Mostly Fluff, Parental EdWin, Post-Canon, Post-Promised Day, Silly, technically hurt/comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:07:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24560545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains/pseuds/Pearl_Pilots_In_Chains
Summary: “Okay!”  Ephiny sprung back into action, disappearing through the doorway.  Winry, on the other hand, turned in the opposite direction, and made for the backdoor, a glint in her eye that would have been both instantly recognizable and instantly worrying had there been any witnesses there to observe it.  Opening the door, she located the object of her ‘search,’ who was busy weeding in the garden.~~~~~~~Children can be a handful sometimes.  Especially when they're too smart for their age and enjoy pulling pranks on their little sister.  Ed and Winry know this all too well.
Relationships: Edward Elric/Winry Rockbell, Mei Chan | May Chang/Alphonse Elric
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	1. Doomed!

Winry heard the tears before she saw them.“Mooooommyyy!I don’t wanna die!,”Ephiny declared through loud, blubbery bursts of sobs that echoed through the house and carried clearly to Winry’s workbench.Winry all but dropped the automail palm she had been adjusting, setting it down with a little more force than was probably advisable, and rushed out from the shop back into the house proper.Looking about frantically, she quickly located the source of her daughter’s crying, and set off after the sounds frenetically.Rushing into the living room, she found the girl in question sitting in a heap on the floor, clutching her knees up to her chest and and wailing uncontrollably.She dashed to her side and knelt by her.

“Honey, what’s wrong?”

“I’m gooooonnnna die!!”Ephiny howled out through her tears.“Mommyyy, I don’ wanna diieee!”

Winry wrapped her hands around her lamenting daughter and pulled the child into her arms, trying to console her.“Sweetpie, you’re not going to die,” she said softly, rubbing her daughter’s tangled mass of dirty blonde hair gently.

“Yes I am!,” Ephiny proclaimed again, her cries showing no signs of abating.

“I promise you’re not going to die sweetie.”Winry said softly, looking down over her daughter, trying to find the source of Ephiny’s fears.Nothing jumped out at her as particularly alarming.The girl was covered in a liberal amount of leaves, and there were dirt stains on her dress, but Winry couldn’t locate anything that looked concerning. _No stings, no bites, no cuts.So far, so good._ Some dirt and leaves were to be expected, considering what the girl had probably been up to.

“Yess, yes I am mommy!Look!,” Ephiny choked out between bouts of weeping.She pulled her hands away from her knees, revealing a series of scrapes and small lacerations covering them.“I’m doooouuuuumed!,” Ephiny keened relentlessly.

Winry inspected the revealed cuts. _Well, I guess that’s . . . something._ “Ephy, I promise you’re not going to die.Will you tell me what happened?,” Winry inquired, coaxing her daughter’s hair back from her face, still holding her close.

Ephiny glanced up at her mother and nodded weakly, her cries diminishing slightly in their frequency.“I was outside playing wit’ brother, and we were playing tag . . .,” she bit back further sobs as she continued, “and . . . and I chased him through da trees down by the lane . . . and I fell . . . and I got all scwatched up by da bushes . . . and now I’m gonna diiiiiieeee!”She exploded into another onslaught of tears with a renewed fervor.

“Shhhh, baby, it’s okay.Mommy’s here, she’s going to make everything better.Why do you think you’re going to die honey?”Winry brow furrowed, her concern growing. _I don’t think there’s anything poisonous down there . . . Ed made sure that all the ivy was gone . . . those should just be cuts . . . and there’s no way she could die from ivy . . . maybe she thinks she can?_

“‘Cause mommy, ‘cause brother told me so!When he saw dat I was all scrap’d up, he said dat I have . . . dat I have dis thing . . . dis thing . . . called secare . . . secaregenu . . . secar-itis or somethin’!”And dat I’m gonna . . . dat I’m gonna die!And I don’ wanna die!‘Cause dying is sad mommy!‘Cause then I’d miss you and daddy, and brother, and uncle Al and aunt Mei . . . and . . . I’d miss Mr. Ruffles and Mocha too!And daddy said dat when grammy died, dat, dat, you were really . . . really . . . de . . . de . . . depest!And I don’ wanna make mommy depest!‘Cause daddy said dat’s bad!”Ephiny burrowed into her mother’s chest, bawling violently.

“Oh baby, you’re not going to die because your knees are scraped up!Don’t worry!You’re going to be just fine,” Winry said reassuringly, tightening her embrace around her daughter.“You can count on that!We’ll have you all fixed up in no time!”

“But brother said I have . . . secra . . . sera . . .sera-thing!”Ephiny sniffled out against her mother.

“Well, he was wrong honey.Your brother makes mistakes like that sometimes.”

“But he said he read about it in one . . . in one of those big encicle . . . encirclo . . . one of those big books dat uncle Al showed him!”Ephiny didn’t seem convinced by her mothers attempts to assuage her fears.

“You mean an encyclopedia?”

“Yeah, one of those!Encylcopetias!”

“Well, he must have misremembered sweetie.Because there’s no condition that makes you die from scraped up knees.”

Ephiny pulled her head away from her mother and stared into her face questioningly, as though trying to ascertain whether or not she was telling the truth.The girl’s sobs had abated to some extent, and the tears weren’t flowing quite as regularly anymore.“Are, are you sure mommy?Brother sounded like he was pwetty sure.”

“I’m sure honey,” Winry said with a firm nod and a soft smile.“I know my stuff.You trust me, don’t you?”

Ephiny nodded shakily.“Yeah . . . I trust you mommy.If, if you say so . . . den . . . I guess I’m not gonna die!”A small, but determined smile broke over the child’s face.Winry couldn’t help but smile a little wider at the sight. _Ed might just be right when he says she reminds him of a certain someone._

“Come on sweetpie,” Winry said gently, releasing the girl from her grasp, “Let’s get you cleaned up, okay?”

“Okay!”Ephiny nodded.Winry rose to her feet, and helped her daughter up after her.The child’s smaller hand clasped in her own, she they moved into the kitchen.

“You just sit down, okay honey?,” Winry instructed, pulling out a chair from under the table.Ephiny nodded, and did as instructed, watching her mother as the older woman briefly exited the room, and returned carrying a pair of clean rags from the washroom.“We’ll get you washed off,” she stated as she headed into the kitchen.

“Okay mommy,” Ephiny responded, swinging her legs back and forth, her earlier panic now nearly completely gone.

Winry walked over a few moments later, having wet one of the rags and frothed a lather onto it with some soap.“Already, knees please,” she said with a grin and she bent down beside her daughter, who giggled at the remark.After a few moments, Ephiny’s knees had been washed clean of dirt, and the small amount of blood that had crusted onto them was gone as well.With that gone, the scrapes didn’t look quite as bad anymore.Winry pulled out the dry rag and use it to scrub off the excess water and bubbles left from the washing.“Alright, I’d say you’re good as new!”Winry smiled at her daughter as she stood back up.“Those don’t look too bad now, so I think you’re even going to get away without needing to get bandaged up.Guess you take after me, huh?”

Ephiny tilted her head to the side doubtfully.“What da ya mean, mommy?”

Winry grinned again, and raised her eyebrow a bit, “I mean you’re pretty darn tough, that’s what I mean!”

Ephiny nodded enthusiastically, and pumped her fist into the air, a display that was more adorable than triumphant when it came from a child.

“Now, why don’t you spend some time in doors, and rest up from your little adventure, okay honey?Maybe you can read Mr. Ruffles a story from one of your story books, how about that?”

“Yeah!,” Ephiny agreed enthusiastically, her recent woe forgotten.She practically bounced out of her seat, and bounded toward the doorway that would lead to the stairs.

“Hey now, don’t go anywhere yet!,” Winry called after her.“I wasn’t done!”

Ephiny turned, and gave a little frown, “Aww mommy, but you said I could go read to Mr. Ruffles!”

Winry strode over, and rested her hand on her daughter’s shoulder.“And you can sweetie, I just want to ask you a question first.”

Ephiny frown vanished once more, and she nodded slowly.“Okay mommy.”

“Good.Now, where did your brother go after you got hurt?Why didn’t he come back up to the house with you?”

Ephiny’s eyes brightened as her mother asked this.“Oh, that’s easy,” she said casually, “He said that he needed to go see uncle Al about something!”

Winry nodded, her lips curling knowingly as she heard this.“Oh, he did, did he?”

“Yep!He did!,” Ephiny replied, oblivious to the shift in her mother’s disposition.“Mommy, can I go now?”

“Yes sweetie, you can go,” Winry said with a kind smile.

“Okay!”Ephiny sprung back into action, disappearing through the doorway.Winry, on the other hand, turned in the opposite direction, and made for the backdoor, a glint in her eye that would have been both instantly recognizable and instantly worrying had there been any witnesses there to observe it.Opening the door, she located the object of her ‘search,’ who was busy weeding in the garden.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Edward!”The shout rang out, catching him by surprise in the midst of attempting to extract a particularly stubborn offender of the weed variety that was encroaching on the carrots’ territory, a transgression that simply couldn’t be allowed, considering the care with which he had divided the garden into very specific, well-demarcated patches.Winry thought the amount of order he imposed on the project was a little excessive, but frankly, he couldn’t care less. _She can call me a ‘Floral Dictator’ and a ‘Perennial Despot’ all she wants, I’m still going to keep these things in line!This is a garden, not an untamed wilderness!_

Temporarily caught off guard by the unexpected intrusion, his grip slipped, and his tension pulled him back to sit down hard, slamming his to the ground in a manner that was thankfully only moderately humiliating.Blinking for a moment, both in surprise and in the sudden pain that flared up from his now-likely bruised behind, he pushed himself up and rose his feet.Turning about while he rubbed absentmindedly at his probably-contused tailbone, trying to assess the potential damage, he found his wife standing by the backdoor, watching him with a dangerously cocked eyebrow, her hands crossed over her chest, and her legs set into an uncompromisingly stance.Not to mention the downright fearsome glint in her eyes. _Oh great.Just great.This is not gonna be fun._

“Hey Win,” he said cautiously, “What’s up?”

“Do you know where Raoul is?”She asked, her voice even, though he picked up on a less-than temperate current beneath it. _Why do I get the feeling this is some sort of trick question?_

“Yeah,” he said slowly, “He was playing out in the front yard with Eph.Last I saw they were chasing each other down toward the road.Why?”

Winry disregarded his closing question, and instead chose to continue with her own statements.“Right.The operative word being ‘was.’Now she’s inside, probably up in your room by now, and he’s visiting your brother.”

“Oh,” Edward said, not really sure if he was supposed to react to this with surprise or not.If he was to be completely honest, he hadn’t quite figured out where Winry was going with the conversation, but was going along with it anyway, just to be safe.“Didn’t know that.”

“Uh huh.I mean, you couldn’t of, considering you’re back here,” she observed, still maintaining a calm demeanor, though Ed had no difficulty discerning the frustration underneath it.“Now, Ed my dear, do you have any idea why our son is visiting his uncle?”

Ed pursed his lips momentarily, then shook his head.“Umm, no.Can’t say that I do.”

“Well now, Al and Mei have been teaching him some basic Alkahestry lately, haven’t they?”

“Well, yeah,” Ed nodded hesitantly, “I mean, we both agreed that we were okay with that.After all, medicine’s not the most dangerous of fields. . . comparative to other ones, I mean . . .”

“Oh, I know.That’s not why I bring it up.But, if I remember correctly, and I’m sure we could go check in his room to prove it, but Al’s been loaning Raoul some of his medical books lately, hasn’t he?”

Ed nodded, uncertainty still directing his motions. _Where’s she going with this?_ “Yeah, I remember he brought a couple home last week.”

“That’s what I thought.And now, continuing with my deductive pattern here, what language do many medical texts use?”

Ed’s eyebrows rose, “Wait, what?”

“What language is used to describe diseases and conditions in medicine?”

Ed found himself blinking once again. _Why is she asking me this?She knows this way better than I do!She’s the automail expert who likes reading medical textbooks!I’ve just suffered through a few!_ Still, faced with the question, he realized that he did know the answer, though he had to pick his brain for it for a few seconds before it surface.“Uhhhh . . . Aerugonian, right?Or, some older form of it, anyway, because that was where modern medicine in the west started out?”

“Well, you’re right where it counts there,” she answered with a small shrug, her arms still crossed.

“So, what does that have to do with Raoul visiting Al and Mei?”

“You know, I’m so glad you ask that, my dear husband.Why don’t I explain?”Winry’s eyes flashed stormily. 

“Probably a good idea,” Ed nodded, swallowing. _Why do I get the feeling I don’t really want to know?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On the off chance that someone recognizes it, and is curious, Ephiny's name is in fact "inspired" by the character of the same name from Xena: Warrior Princess. I was originally going to use the name Lily, but in the end, I decided to go with something a little more unique.


	2. Secaregenuitis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raoul may think he's gotten away with his prank . . . but that remains to be seen.

“Briiinnngg!Briiiiinngggg!” The shrill sounds reverberated through the hall.“Briiiin—,” the third repeat was terminated prematurely as Al lifted the phone from the receiver and brought it to his ear.

“Elric residence, Alphonse Elric speaking,” he stated politely.

His brother’s familiar voice crackled back at him, “Hey Al, how’s it going?”

An amused half-smile flitted across the younger Elric brother’s face.“Not too bad, brother.And how are you?,” he inquired nonchalantly.

“Me?Oh me, I am just dandy.Just fine and divine, as always, Al.That’s just the way I roll!”Ed’s tone was saturated with a sort of faux happiness, that was unmistakably insincere.Al couldn’t identify whether it was being forced out of discomfort, or if it was an attempt at sarcasm.With his brother, the two could sometimes go hand in hand, which never usually boded well.Usually it meant Ed was using snark as a shield to distract from something else on his mind, generally an unpleasant something.

“Riiiggghtt,” Al responded slowly, dragging the syllable out far past its natural length.

Ed didn’t provide any indication that he had noticed the elongation, rolling onward indifferently in the same imitation-geniality, “So, how are things down at your end of the lane on this wonderful afternoon?”

Al did his best not to laugh at this, thankful that his widening grin was concealed by the medium of communication they were utilizing.“Well, brother, if you really want to know, they’re about the same as they were yesterday.You know, when you were over here last.I’m sorry to say, you haven’t missed any earth-shattering developments.It’s a real tragedy of boredom down here.”

“You know Al, I get a genuinely alarming impression that you are being sarcastic with me right now,” Ed remarked, maintaining his superficially innocent demeanor.

“Who, me?Brother, you know that I would never do such a thing.Sarcasm is the furthest thing from my mode of operation.In fact, I would go so far as to say that I am the very antithesis of sarcasm!I’m sincere and upfront in all my dealings, and I never put on airs of any sort!Posturing is altogether abhorrent to me!Pretension downright odious!And don’t even get me started on affectation!An awful abomination, abhorrent to all, to be execrated excessively for the extent of ever-after!”

There was a still pause on the other end of the line for a moment, before the distinct sound of laughter filled Al’s ear.He was quick to follow, dissolving into a bout of small chuckles, which mushroomed into full-blown hoots, to the point where he was leaning against the wall, the guffaws wracking his gut mercilessly.

“Affectation?Where did you come up with that gem?”Ed demanded through his chortles.

“I thought it sounded poetic, so I went with it!,” Al managed to reply.

“And they say I’m the overdramatic one!”

“Yeah, but I’m clearly the better actor!Hands down!”

“Better actor, huh?Is that a challenge?”Ed shot back humorously.

“Brother, which one of us is still a diplomat, and which one of us unceremoniously quit the field?,” Al retorted jovially.

“Hey!Talk about a low blow!And what does my former ambassadorial assignment have to do with my acting abilities?”

“Ambassadorial, really?Now who’s trying to sound all high and mighty with his six-syllable mouthfuls?”

“You’re avoiding the question!,” Ed protested, the outcry nearly lost among further rolling giggles.

“Aww, come on brother, you know that diplomacy is practically fifty percent acting!”

“Those are dangerous words, coming from a diplomat!What about authenticity in politics?!”

Both brothers paused again for a few seconds, as if they were considering the pseudo-intellectual question, and then proceeded to collapse back into fits of laughter.

“Oh, that was good!That was good brother!”

“It had to be said,” Ed replied, accepting the compliment.“Alright, so if fifty percent of diplomacy is acting, what’s the rest of it?”

“Well that’s simple really.Honestly, that fifty percent is most of the reason why you’re no longer a diplomat brother.”

“And that would be?”Ed let the question hang out over the line.

“Why, charm and good looks of course,” Al answered blithely.

“Take it back!Those are fighting words Al!”

“Never!The truth can’t be suppressed!”

Ed’s end of the call cracked up into vague expressions of rage and empty, comical threats, interspersed with peals of laughter, matched by similar outbursts on Al’s end, before suddenly going silent.

Al tilted his head, wondering if the call had been cut off abruptly.“You still there, brother?”

“Yep . . ..” Ed’s voice had now moved definitively in the direction of nervous, rather than amused or outraged.“I may or may not be getting a death stare from a certain mechanic . . .”This was swiftly followed by a more distant, “Hey, it was a joke!Just a joke!”Al guessed this last part was spoken directly to said mechanic.“Alright, fine.Okay, okay.”These words also seemed to be intended for Winry rather than Al.At last, Ed spoke clearly back into the phone.“She says to get to the point.”

Al’s eyebrows snuck up and away from his eyes.“The point?”

“Yep.The point.”

“Which would be?”

“Al, you know medical terms, right?”

Al’s brow furrowed momentarily.“Yeessss . . . why?”

Ed didn’t answer this, posing another question instead.“And you speak Aerugonian, right?”

Al blinked, his eyebrows now floating at the midpoint of his forehead as though they were filled with helium.“Ahhhh . . . yes again, brother.” _What is happening right now?_

“Okay, I thought so.Fantastic.”Ed paused for a moment, and then began anew.“So, Al, out of curiosity, what’s the Aerugonian word for ‘knee’?”

“For knee?”

“For knee.”

“Errr . . . I’m pretty sure it’s ginocchio.Brother, what’s going on?”

There was another pause on Ed’s end of the call, and when Al’s older brother finally spoke, he once again blatantly disregarded the question.“Alright, my bad, what’s the word for ‘knee’ in classical Aerugonian?”

“Classical Aerugonian?”Al was getting progressively more confused with each question.

“Yep, classical Aerugonian.That’s the language used in medicine, right?”

“Uhhh . . . yes?,”Al confirmed dubiously.

“You don’t sound so sure about that,” Ed observed.

“I mean, yes, it is.”Al did his best to sound more confident, even though he wasn’t feeling especially confident in the direction the conversation was heading. _If it’s heading in any direction at all, that is . . . because it sure doesn’t feel like it is._

“So, like I said, what’s the classical Aerugonian word for ‘knee?,’”Ed reiterated his earlier inquiry.

Al snapped his eyes shut for a second, considering the question.He wasn’t exactly an expert on classic Aerugonian, but he was fairly certain he knew the word in question.

“Well?”Ed asked again, sounding as though he was not thrilled by Al’s protracted response.

“I think it’s . . . genu?Maybe.”

“You think?”

“Hey, classic Aerugonian’s not my area of expertise, okay?!,” Al objected.“And why do you suddenly care about the classical Aerugonian word for knee?!”

Ed didn’t seem to be listening to Al’s complaint, as Al heard him speaking once more to someone else on his end of the line.“He says he thinks it’s ‘genu.’”

This was quickly followed by a dim exclamation by another voice, no doubt considerably louder in person, that Al was almost certain belonged to Winry.“I knew it!”

“So, when do I get to find out what’s going on?,”Al asked dryly.

“Soon, soon,” Ed replied quickly.“Just one more question.”

“Alright, fine,” Al consented lukewarmly.“But I’m not a linguist here.”

“Don’t worry, this one is non-language related.”

“Great,” Al replied in a monotone.

“Is Raoul over there right now?”

Al cast a glance down the hall, looking toward the room where he knew both his wife and the boy in question were, despite the fact that from his current angle, he wouldn’t have actually been able to see into said room, even if the door wasn’t closed.“Yep.Last I saw, he was going over some diagrams with Mei.”

“Reaalllly?,” Ed drawled, a devious streak in his tone that wasn’t lost on Al.“Would they happen to be of the medical variety?”

“Yep.He’s just about a little sponge, if you ask me brother.It looks like he’s going to turn out more like his mother.Or maybe his aunt, even.You have my condolences,” he offered ironically.

“Ha ha, you’re a riot,” Ed responded, equally ironic.“Anyway, him being a sponge is just what I was afraid of.”

“Afraid of?,” Al questioned curiously.

“Yeah.”

“And why would that be?”

“Well . . . to cut a long story short, Raoul and Eph were apparently out playing earlier this afternoon.Eph fell, scraped up her knees, nothing too serious, just some small cuts.You know what I mean.Anyway, her brother managed to convince her that she had some kind of medical condition.A terminal one, to be specific.Something I’m all but completely sure he made up.I think it was called something along the lines ‘secaregenuitis.’A bunch of classical Aerugonian nonsense or something like that.Ring any bells?”

Ed chewed his lip in contemplation before responding.“Not that I can think of.Like I said before, I think ‘genu’ means knee, and the ‘itis’ suffix has to do with inflammation.I’m not one-hundred percent sure on the first part though.But that sounds like an inflammation of the knee.”

“And is that a real condition?”

“Well, I’ve never heard that particular term used before . . . and it’s not a fatal condition, I can tell you that much.”

Ed chuckled slightly at this.“Yeah, I was never worried about that.”

Al chuckled as well.“Good to know.”

“Eph was though.She apparently had a bit of a breakdown over it.Fortunately, Win was able to get her patched up pretty quick . . . but, as I bet you can imagine, she’s not exactly . . . ‘pleased,’ with our son right now.”

Al found himself nodding at his brother’s words, in spite of the fact that his brother had no way of seeing the gesture.He could indeed imagine exactly what his brother was talking about.He could help but feel a pang of sympathy for his nephew.It was short-lived though. _After all . . . he’s definitely his own downfall here._ “Yep, I think I have an idea.”

“Anyway, we wanted to have a little talk with Raoul.It sounds like he ran off down to your place after he sent his sister crying up to the house.”

Al grinned as he heard this. _So that’s why he showed up unannounced earlier . . . guess he’s never heard of ‘digging your hole deeper.’”_

“I managed to convince Winry to let me be the one to come ‘retrieve’ him.I figured that would probably be best for his wellbeing.”

“Well . . . that route probably does involve fewer threats and one-percent less potential for weaponized wrenches,” Al deadpanned.

“You know, my thoughts exactly.”

“So, are you going to be heading over then?I can let him know you’re on your way, if you want,” Al offered.

“Why don’t you hold off on that?I think I’d rather drop in for a surprise visit.Catch him off guard.That way he doesn’t try to stage any sort of escape in the mean time.”

“Alright.Probably not a bad strategy.”

Al could hear the mischief and smugness clearly in his brother’s voice.“And here you said I was bad at diplomacy.”

“Well, I said it’s ‘probably not a bad strategy’ brother.I never said that meant it’s a good one.”

Al could almost visualize Ed rolling his eyes and frowning slightly.“Uh huh . . . why am I not surprised?”

“Something tells me that’s a rhetorical question.”

Ed snorted.“See you soon Al.”

“See you in a bit brother.”

The line clicked and went dead on Ed’s end.Setting the phone back into the receiver, Al strolled over to the study and cracked the door, peaking in.Mei and Raoul were both seated at the table by the corner, looking over a series of diagrams spread over the top of it.Mei was in the midst of explaining something to the boy, but paused and looked back when she heard the door.Raoul, on the other hand, carried on with his inspection of the image before him.“Who was calling?,” Mei asked.

“Just one of the neighbors,” Al answered dispassionately.“Had a question about the property line.”

Mei’s brows arched, and it looked like she was about to say something, but Al waved his hand by his neck and shook his head, signaling her to stop, glad that his nephew was still turned away.“Later,” he mouthed.Mei blinked and then nodded.

“Anyway,” Al continued, “I think I’m going to get started on dinner.There’s this Cretan dish I’ve been wanting to try out.Some sort of potato quiche, I think.”He shrugged.“It sounds interesting.”

Mei’s eyebrow curved skeptically, but she nodded all the same.“Alright.”

“So, Raoul, are you going to be staying, or do you need to be back home for dinner?”

This question elicited a reaction from Raoul.He swung about and looked at Al.“Oh, uh, mother and father said I could stay,” he answered quickly.

“Alright.Good to know,” Al said with cheerful smile.“Well, I’m gonna get to that.”He dipped out and shut the door behind him, his cheerful smile turning to a suggestive smirk as he walked away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The knock at the door came the better part of a half hour later.Al headed for it swiftly, calling out, “I’ve got it!”He didn’t want to risk his brother’s surprise possibly being spoiled by Mei trying to answer it.Opening the door, he was faced with his brother, who held a finger to his lips.“Afternoon brother,” Al greeted the older Elric in hushed tones.“Follow me.”

“Hey there Al,” Ed said with a nod, his droll grin looking downright malevolent, considering Al knew what prompted it.Closing the door behind his brother, Al led Ed down the hall toward the study door.Halting before it, he inclined his head.“They’re in there,” he whispered.“Are you going to go for a subtle entrance, or something a little more forceful?”

Ed scratched at the beard, considering his options for a moment.“Maybe something a little more on the subtle side.I think that will put him off balance a bit more than the direct approach.”

Al rolled his eyes.“Only because he’s probably used to his dad being obnoxious and overdramatic by now,” he remarked with a whimsical sneer.

“Oh yes, of course,” Ed responded sardonically.

“Hey, I just call it like I see it brother,” Al replied in mock apology.

“Uh huh, I’m sure you do.”

“Alright, well,” Al began, “If you’re going to go for something a little less than over the top, I think I’ll grab Mei’s attention first, okay?”

Ed nodded.“Works for me.”

“Why don’t you wait down the hall?Just so your cover’s not blown before the reveal.”

Ed nodded again, and moved down until he was out of sight of the door itself.Al cracked the door again and leaned in.“Hey Mei, sorry to interrupt dearest, but I could really use a second opinion on some spices.I’m really aiming for that perfect amount of ‘zing,’ you know?”

Ed heard a muffled reply in response, that he couldn’t quite make out of the words of, but a moment later, Al opened the door wider, and Mei emerged, looking less than enthusiastic about her husband’s supposed culinary indecision.Al hurriedly closed the door behind her, before she noticed Ed.Al quickly whispered something into her ear, and nodded toward Ed.When Mei spotted the elder Elric, she tilted her head skeptically, and strolled over to greet him.Sounding equally amused, and relieved, the latter of which Ed assumed was a result of the fact that Al had likely revealed he wasn’t trying to cook some sort of abomination after all, she asked “Edward, what are you doing here?”

“I’m here to ‘retrieve’ my son,” Ed replied wittily.“He’s on the lam.”

“On the lam?”Mei sounded suspicious, not quite getting Ed’s humor.

“He’s hiding out here,” Al offered as interpretation.

Mei shot a glance at her husband, before looking back to Ed.“And why would that be?”

“Well, to put it briefly, he convinced his sister that she was going to die of a disease he made up, and when she ran crying to Winry, certain that her fate was sealed, and pretty torn up about that, he decided to make a break for it before the other shoe dropped.And now he’s using you as a safe house.”

“Hmm . . . alright.Well, far be it from me to stand in the way of familial justice.”Mei stepped aside.“Go collect your bounty.”

Ed chuckled.“I appreciate it.”

Al grinned.“He should just be glad you’re the one after him, and not Winry.”

“Indeed,” Mei concurred.“That would be . . . unfortunate for him.”

“You can say that again.I’m just gonna give him a tiny bit of a scare, remind him that he shouldn’t try to tell his sister lies about dying, that’s about it.Winry on the other hand . . . well, she’d fill him with maternal terror,” Ed agreed, before heading back to the sealed door.Al and Mei both followed, intent on watching the proceedings. 

Unlatching the door to a slit, Ed peeped through cautiously.His son was fixated a book, looking away from him.Ed opened the door fully, and leaned up against the frame, watching his errant firstborn.A few seconds passed before he broke the silence.“Say, Raoul, whatcha reading there buddy?”

The boy went rigid, freezing in place.Carefully, he turned around, and met his father’s gaze with widening eyes and an awkward smile.“Hello father.I was just reading a treatise on the lungs,” he replied warily.

“Oh, really?The lungs?Sounds fascinating,” Ed offered amicably.“You know, I’m curious son,” he continued, “Have you ever read a discourse on the knees?”

“The knees, father?”

“Yep.The knees.”

Raoul seemed to have caught on that his game was up, and was looking all the more apprehensive for the realization.“Ah, I don’t think so father . . . why do you ask?”

“Well,” Ed began affably, “I’ve been learning all sorts of new things about them lately.Some very dangerous conditions associated with the knees you know.Even fatal ones.Did you know that?”

Raoul shook his head, a little too vehemently.“Not at all father.Sounds terrifying.”His tone conveyed that he wasn’t lying about the alarming nature of the ostensible conditions his father had brought up.

“Well, let me tell you all about it,” Ed declared, pushing off from the wall and crossing his arms as he stepped fully into the room.

“All about what father?,” Raoul said, looking a little more than merely mildly concerned by this point.

“All about the dangers of secaregenuitis.”

Raoul gulped.


End file.
